The Power of a Question
I’ve been off the grid for a while and am happy to be settling in to re-connect. Fall has officially arrived here in New England and it is hands down my favorite season. My happy place is in the woods, so as you can imagine, I’m loving the change of colors. The picture attached is of a wood where I frequently walk. It was taken on a day that I finished an extremely large project. The air was crisp and the colors amazing. I was elated because I had reached a major goal—a goal that quite literally tortured me and has been a great teacher.
This memory and several recent conversations got me to thinking about the goals we set. As I mentioned in a previous post, the most frequent goal my clients initially set is to lose weight. Without a doubt, my wish is for people to be a healthy weight in order to avoid illness. I wonder though, if this goal is a decoy. Is there something else that is longed for that is being obscured? As a matter of fact, this has led me to wonder how many other goals we set that are actually not what we really want-- leading to slow progress or a complete stall. This is a painful space that can result in harsh self-criticism and the temptation to attach some kind of meaning, or worse, our self-worth, to not seeing goals through.
This is where the power of a question leads to greater insight. This blog is the direct result of two conversations where the right question with honest answers caused major shifts in thinking. I list only a few gems here (knowing there are many more!) to ask when you are beginning to think about setting a goal or find yourself holding on dearly to a goal that just isn’t happening.
1. Why do you want to attain this goal so badly? This seems like a simple question, but I argue that we aren’t always very clear on this. I have avoided asking this of myself too many times! It is hugely important that we know the why, intimately. This takes some soul searching. You can’t ask it just once. You actually have to sit with it and have the patience to wait for the answers to come. If the immediate answer is what I refer to as above the line, prestige, money, or approval, ask again….and again.
2. What will happen when you reach the goal? When a mentor asked this in relation to a personal goal I’ve been struggling with, I quickly responded with what I thought was the answer. When I later sat quietly and let the question sink deeper below the surface, I about fell off my cushion. The answer that came? When I achieved my goal, I would be fixed. Now, if you have read my website or previous reflections/blog, you know that the idea of fixing does not align with my personal values! Alas, there it was. I urge you to give this a go and see for yourself what comes up. If you’re imagining a new and improved you, this deserves more investigation. I guarantee you’re fabulous as is! Room for tweaking, sure, but entirely fabulous.
3. How, given your own life circumstances, can you make this happen? Another question that takes some brutal honesty and self-acceptance. Often, when we set out with a goal, we aren’t being honest with ourselves about our strengths and our unique opportunities for growth (aka, challenges). This means asking the follow up question, what do I need in this situation? Asking for what you need takes vulnerability. It’s very tempting to want those around us to believe that we have our stuff together. When I recently asked a client to consider what she needed, she was relieved as she realized that she didn’t have to go it alone and became excited about future projects. Let people know what you need. Let your guard down--you are indeed human!
4. Is this what you are truly yearning for? Be open to the possibility that the goal is a decoy--meaning that there is something else that you are after. Perhaps it’s fulfillment, connection, purpose, or inner peace. We might be striving to achieve goals “out there” thinking they will bring us happiness when it is the inner work that is most rewarding in the end. Clinging to something you really don’t want may be keeping you from pursuing other potentially amazing avenues that you are ready for now!
I usually end here with a challenge for you but I am loving the above questions and am inviting you to sink deeply into them for now. Then, if you are lucky enough to live where the colors are changing, take notice, even if only for a moment!
If you’ve ever been asked a question that stopped you in your tracks when it came to a goal, big or small, I’d love for you to post it in the comments or respond on my Facebook page.
As always,
be well!